By Mark Welsh
The latest RH catalog hit New York city last week, and by “hit” I mean mercilessly clobbered.
Weighing in at hefty 325 pounds (or thereabouts) this unappealingly shrink wrapped collection of 5 “source books” prompted shrieks of “Oh no they didn’t!” at Post Offices from the Battery to the Bronx and filled New York’s emergency rooms with sprained and (even more than usually) disgruntled mail carriers. Nursing a wrist injury and a grudge, my dedicated mail lady Connie summed up the feelings of many as she tossed letters into slots with the precision of a carnival knife thrower. “I signed up to deliver mail through sleet, snow, and hail, she huffed. “No one ever mentioned the Mother@#$%&^% RH catalog”.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m an ardent fan of catalogs and have written literally hundreds for clients including Bloomingdale’s, Joe Fresh, west elm, and Ann Taylor – a sprinkling of which I’ve included here for purely self-promotional purposes.
But do we really need to receive all 5 at once? Talk about incite bad will among 99 pound weaklings, 6th floor walk-up dwellers, and trees.
Without further ado or adon't here are my...
7 HIGHLY EFFECTIVE, HIGHLY SUSPECT THINGS TO DO WITH THE HIGHLY ANNOYING RH CATALOG
COMMIT THE PERFECT CRIME. Bludgeon your annoying neighbor with his/her copy – and shred the evidence.
ASSIST A LITTLE PERSON. Bind copies together with duct tape to create booster seats, platform shoes, and steps.
STOCK YOUR OFF-THE-GRID OUTHOUSE. Who needs a composting loo when you’ve got 468 pages of free TP?
GO FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY. Turn our the lights and “accidentally” trip over your catalog. You’ll be surprised what a bruised knee and a good lawyer will net you. (Approximate 30G).
CALM YOUR NERVES. Paper walls with the catalog’s greige, ecru, and burlap-hued pages and fall instantly into deep taupe sleep.
TAKE A FIELD TRIP. Introduce your catalogs to their ancient tree forebears and watch them weep inky tears.
RETURN TO SENDER UNOPENED. Or better yet, drop it off at your local RH store and let them deal with it.